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John Edwards
John Edwards, Esq. is the son of a mill worker and the former Democratic Junior Senator from Lesser Carolina who tried to take credit for the Republican war on low minimum wages in the United States. His faith allows him to admit how often he sins, which is every day. His sin? Murder. His faith? Satanism. And we're not just talking murder of humans exclusively; we're talking little kittens and puppies. A super fag he he tried so hard to cover his tracks by having sex with an ungly woman that he ended up continuing it while his wife was dying of cancer. Somehow when she contracted cancer he seems to have lost his soul.http://www.thetalentshow.org/2012/05/31/r-i-p-2/ Career The son of a mill worker hosts a daytime talk show where liberals and hippies ask questions about their dead relatives, then the former Senator pulls lies out his ass to answer these so-called "questions". The former Senator has strong ties to tree huggers, Nazi's, hippies and democrats. Nevertheless, John Kerry chose him in 2004 as his running mate/pulse, mainly for his populist appeal and overall dreaminess. As Far As I Know, there was nothing gay about their relationship. Then again, he does pay $400 for a haircut, which just makes you wonder. How many straight guys do you know pay that much for a haircut? (Besides Stephen Colbert) For awhile, Edwards posed a genuine threat to The Greatest President's reelection hopes, wooing voters by persuading them that there are "Two Americas", one for rich people and another for the poor. (He of course left out that God had specifically created an America for His poor children as a sort of "time out corner".) Luckily, Fox News ignored this propaganda and focused on the real issue: Edwards' treasonous haircut. Not to be discouraged, Edwards deliberately gave his wife cancer in a last-ditch bid for a sympathy vote. On Election Day, however, voters reminded Kerry and Edwards that there is only one, true America: the one owned by Sean Hannity. In 2007, Edwards rose from the ashes like a phoenix to once again run for President. The only trouble was that this phoenix was found to have been nestin' up with another hen, and was quite possibly the father of her egg. (Cheating on cancer-stricken wives is only considered normal behavior for the species ''Newtus Gingrichus''.) Edwards promptly dropped out of the race and endorsed Barack Obama, thus revealing Obama's pro-adultery agenda. Future He will be visited very soon by the FBI for his not-so-veiled threat against the sitting Vice President, Dick Cheney and his affiliation with NAMBLA. May one day be influential once he starts shaving. Bills Introduced in the Senate #Future United Communist America Bill (FUC America Bill) #Limited Introductory Bereavement Entitlement Reparations Against Life Bill (LIBERAL Bill) #Retroactive Entitlement Towards American/Russian Deities Bill (RETARD Bill) #America Supports Underlying Communist Sympathizers Bill (America SUCS Bill) This Page Is Not About John Edwards You walked into the salon like you were at the bank ATM Your wallet protrudingly dipped below one cheek You just came in for a trim You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself get primmed And you declared you were the son of a mill worker The son of a mill worker, and You’re so vain, you probably think this page is about you You’re so vain, I’ll bet you think this page is about you Don’t you? Don’t you? Your handlers a couple of years ago decided to make you “un-rich” So they made you into a common man, and not a wealthy bitch But they gave away the thing you loved, green "In God We Trust" A relapse caused clouds in your message Clouds in your message, and Poor campaign – your platform has a few loose planks now Poor campaign – I’ll bet you wished you just got a shave now Don’t you? Don’t you? Well I hear you went down to California to help a union drive You’re thinking of heading to Minnesota You’ll be middle class when you arrive Well you’re where you should be all the time And when you’re not you’re found Swearing the "Hypocritic Oath" Hypocritic Oath, and You’re so vain, you probably think this page is about you You’re so vain, I’ll bet you think this page is about you Don’t you? Don’t you? Fun Fracts * had a love child with a female staffer (see photo at right) * Always started every speech with, "My name is John Edwards, and I am the son of a mill worker" * apparently he used "I am the son of a mill worker" as a pick up line * Was seen whaling in Alaska * John Edwards was a Trial Lawyer. His wife Elizabeth Edwards was an English Professor. Why not just come right out and admit that they're Satanists? * Was recently insinuated by Ann Coulter to be a tweet-tweet-TWEET-twee-eeit! (wink!) * John Edwards' current employer was once "colorfully" described by the non-racist Jesse Helms as the "[[University|'U'''niversity]] of '''N'*----s and [[Communists|'C'''ommunists]]." It is also the institution that produced Dixie-hater Thomas Schaller. John Edwards seems to want to distance himself from ''both Jesse's proud Southern heritage and Schaller's academian type liberal stylings. Some people think of this tactic as "playing down the middle" or "hedging your bets." Personally, I like to think of John as a bland vanilla pudding that takes on the flavor of whatever cookie you dip in him. ] * Someone met John Edwards while out for dinner with friends one night in Chapel Hill, NC. There were two particularly interesting things about this meeting, from "someone's" perspective: first, John Edwards gave me an unsolicited, sorta creepy, unwanted backrub. Second, let's just say that a "member" of Edwards' "staff" seemed particularly "erect" during a chance encounter with my friend's shoulder. Lesson: there is such a thing as "too friendly," John. * The Colbert Report was the first to break the story that, according to an unnamed source, John Edwards had a steamy one night stand with Muqtada al Sadr. Stephen Colbert later revealed that his "unnamed source" was his very own new blog Integrityjustice.com - and their reputation for integrity justice is right there in the name! * His dad never says, "I'm the father of a trial lawyer". pays $1000 for his haircuts.]] Edwards-mentum * John Edwards at Campaigns Wikia * John Edwards for President *In a Parallel Evil Universe, John Edwards is our president...